Vacation at Sea

We just got back from a much needed vacation cruise through the Caribbean. For those of you who have never cruised, let me summarize: You get on a vessel the size of North Dakota and eat non-stop for seven days. Some days you are at sea and you eat even more. Other days you are at “Port” and get to tour a different country.

Our ship had a movie theater, numerous swimming pools, a mini golf course, rock climbing wall, a shopping strip, numerous restaurants, an ice skating rink, in-line skating, and the list goes on. From the moment you board the ship you are bombarded with food– fancy food displays that are impressive in both quantity and variety. It is a glutton’s dream.

In the evening, after eating at about 8 buffets throughout the day, you go to a nice sit down dinner complete with a several course meal. You are served by wonderful people who have been trained to be the best in the service industry. You are encouraged to dress up for the dinners, with at least two nights being suggested formal dress. (My “which fork to use when” training comes in handy at these meals.)

Even though there are nightly shows with live entertainment, the best entertainment comes in the form of people watching. Especially on formal night.

I have created some basic principles after my recent cruise:

1) Dave is right. Certain clothing styles should not come in certain sizes. Yes, I realize guys with big guts and their crack showing can prance around the poolside almost proud of their belly. It doesn’t make it right for women to do the same. Simply put, if you are a big gal, a bikini might not be right for you. Or us. Thank God butt floss is pretty much out of style. Ditto for the banana hammocks men used to wear.

2) The above principle also applies to formal dress. While I am at it, ATTENTION REDNECKS: formal attire does NOT mean a new NASCAR hat and a shirt without ketchup stains. We saw one guy who looked like Santa Claus in over-alls. He wore over-alls EVERY DAY on the cruise. On formal night I will be damned if he wasn’t wearing over-alls made from tuxedo material. Hey, at least he dressed up.

3) Hair pieces don’t fool others. Men with bad rugs look ridiculous. Seriously. You look better bald. And ladies, adding what looks like a dead poodle to the back of your head doesn’t look authentic. Or cool. There was a lady on the ship who had what looked like a raccoon pelt attached to her hair. It was the size of a basketball. I bet she has neck strain from carrying that thing around all day. Much to my pleasure, after our Mexico port she appeared with a miniature sombrero fastened to the side of her hair piece. How quaint. Like she really needed ANY more attention brought to her head.

4) Black knee highs should really be outlawed. At what point in an old man’s life does he suddenly think black knee highs look good with shorts and tennis shoes?

5) Just because you buy your perfume by the gallon, that doesn’t mean you should wear that much at a time. Especially when you are getting in a crowded elevator with me.

These are just a few of the fashion faux pas. There are lots of behavioral faux pas, too. Unfortunately, those came mostly from my table.

For example, at the first sit down dinner, the Bartender brought my cousin a beer. Not his first one of the day, mind you. Uh, more like his twentieth beer for the day.

“May I pour your drink in a glass, sir?” He asks in his thick Romanian accent.

“Of course I want it poured in a glass. I am VERY SOPHISTICATED” Jason replies in a drunk Texas accent.

Then he picks up his large broccoli spear with his hand and crams it in his mouth. Smooth. Then he dips his prime rib into the large pile of ketchup on his plate. Yep, that is sophisticated alright.