Rescue Me

As you know, I am involved in animal rescue- both domestic animals and wildlife.

Believe it or not, I often get rude callers demanding that I come pick up some animal that has wandered into their yard. They are often misguided into thinking that because rehabilitators are licensed by the state, that I am actually paid to deal with these issues. They use a tone that is both condescending and accusatory- as if I am the one that dropped the annoying possum into their back yard or dropped the raccoon into their chimney. From their tone, they indicate that not only did I have the chutzpah to leave my wild animal in their bushes, but that I better march my little butt over there right this very second and get that beast out of their yard.

Imagine their surprise when I let them know how the cow ate the cabbage. They REALLY get pissed when I tell them that I am not animal control and I don’t rescue animals that don’t need to be rescued. I guess I am just rubbing their noses in it when I tell them that they probably annoy the animals and if animals could call and demand that people be removed from their area, they would be the first on the phone.

I had this real bitch call me recently to tell me that I needed to come rescue some deer in her front yard. After asking her my usual line of questions it became apparent that none of them were injured and none of them were orphaned. What she really wanted was for me to relocate the deer so they would stop eating her plants. (Go ahead and derive a mental image of my crippled ass chasing around a bunch of deer and loading them into a trailer for transport. All in the name of some gardenias.)

She kept repeating her zip code over and over as if to say that deer shouldn’t live in fancy zip codes. Or that her fancy house looks shoddy with deer for yard art. Or that I should give a rat’s ass that she is rich and the deer are bothering her. I actually asked her “What do you want me to do? Come over and shoot them?” She replied “could you?”

After the fourth time she mentioned her zip code I told her I used to live in a fancy zip code and WE HAD DEER TOO. Then I told her she might want to move to a zip code that isn’t in the HILL COUNTRY. YOU IDIOT SNOB LADY. DEER LIKE THE HILL COUNTRY.

I should have unleashed my redneck cousins on her. They would have thrown out some corn and set up a friggin deer blind on her front porch . . . that would have shown her what it REALLY feels like to have wild animals in her yard.